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Mothering Through Hard Days
Friends,
Today’s chat has been overflowing from my heart for days now. I have all the emotions about sharing it, and I’m praying it not only encourages you but blesses you!
Before we Dive in, if you happen to prefer listening you can hear my chat on this topic here!
Today we are chatting about mothering through those hard days, sharing experiences from my chemotherapy journey, how I created a false hope, stumbled, and learned that we can change our emotions, and how choosing joy is life-changing.
While today’s story is rooted in my cancer journey it has also applied to not only every aspect of my daily motherhood journey but also in the lives of my dearest friends with who I have shared this joy!
So let’s dive in because I can’t wait to share this journey with you any longer.
A quick recap from our last chat, I left off sharing how the plan I had made for my double mastectomy and recovery leading into my chemo was not going to plan. I had left very detailed instructions for my
body, and just like distracted children, those dang instructions went in one ear and out the other. Pretty Annoying right!
I had sat my body down in the back seat of the car before going into the store, and given it the stereotypical mom chat of all the rules. Don't look at anything, don't touch anything, don't say anything, just stay close and we will be in and out quickly. Well, my two-year-old self got distracted and didn't follow my instructions.
Clearly, I should have known better, I'm not sure about your children but these detailed speeches I give before running into Target rarely work. Why I thought it would apply to this I have no clue. Isn't that the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over again and expecting different results??
If this is true I'm convinced motherhood is pure insanity but we will have to unpack that topic another time and maybe check in with an expert or two haha.
So at this point, the fear, anxiety, and control issues paired with my stubborn personality were causing some serious issues for me. Mentally and Emotionally I was struggling. I had spent as long as I can remember building up these walls to shield myself from struggling. If I am in control nothing can hurt me. I avoided most situations I could not control, and I still found myself in the space I had been running from for years.
Funny how life works out huh?
I am sure if we are all honest, there are those one or two things we run from. That We avoid at all costs. The insecurities, family issues, childhood traumas, Just to name a few. For the first time in my life, I was truly helpless, I slept in my recliner (which funnily enough I refused pre-op because it wasn’t in my plan, I won’t need that I’ll be up in no time) - and on day two post-op my hero of a husband didn’t listen to me and raced off to rescue the day with a lazy boy. Y’all I could not even get myself out of that heavenly chair.
It was the most humbling experience of my life. Being left alone with my thoughts at that time was an activity I fought, so my Handsome and I watched Gordon Ramsey and all ten seasons of Master chef. That distraction only lasted a short while.
You see why I was confined to a chair, and my husband was the best nurse anyone could ever have, there were still duties only I could perform. Mothering our kiddos.
Remember I had made the promise to myself, handsome, and unknowingly God that my children would never hear me complain.
My plan was failing me, physically I could not care for myself much less them, and mentally I was a swinging pendulum. As soon as one thought would appear it would crash into another I was bouncing from optimist to pessimist and back again way too quickly. I kept asking myself how in the world am I going to make it through this, keep my promise, and still be their mom.
I knew how I was going to beat cancer. Show up and follow the Plan.
Surgery. Recovery. Chemo. Immune Therapy. Surgery.
I never accounted for the mental aspect. A change had to be made. With my plan up in smoke, well mission averted would probably be more accurate, the plan was still in place we just had a few potholes that needed fixing. I knew physically there was nothing I could do but follow instructions, which left the only other thing I thought I might be able to change, my mind.
Now full disclosure I had no idea what I was doing. Of course, I had years of speaking to our family therapist as a child, but let's be honest who knew what my 7-11 year old self actually said or retained that could be helpful here and the psych 101 course from freshman year that I slept through, clearly money well spent, so here I was pretty much left to operating on my pure hard headed ness.
I will never forget one week post-op, I was sitting in my surgeon's office for my second check-up that day. We had just left my plastic surgeon's office and I did not get the "You're healing great" report I had expected. When she walked in, I was already crying, remember I told you she was an angel.
Fighting back hysteria, my Handsome holding my hand, I'm sure at that moment he was just as frightened because he has no clue how to help me, and this emotional breakdown left us in uncharted waters even after 11 years. Instantly comforting me with her presence, she starts giving me the practical speech of how to aid the healing time but reminding me I just had MAJOR surgery.
Now deep down I knew this, but again I had that plan, and there was a four-week recovery window I "NEEDED" to meet to start chemotherapy on the timeline in which I had set for myself. Any setback would derail that goal.
I realize now my competitive, gold star personality was totally at play here. Because it really matter if I was the fastest healer post surgery, of course not. There was no huge check waiting at the next appointment. (although wouldn’t that be cool)
Now I should have been praising through this storm, focusing on how grateful I truly was. I had first-hand knowledge of how devastating cancer could be, the difficulty of surgery, and in some cases the failures of said procedures. I did not find myself in that category. Sure I had a healing setback because my body needed more proteins, but I was alive, "healthy" with clear margins (meaning she removed every bit of my tumor and any cancer she could see, as well as removing three lymph nodes so that I would be blessed enough to skip radiation. <-- this alone was a huge answer to prayer because it was My biggest concern to be honest.)
I know it’s silly to have been my biggest concern but I don't handle pain well, and everything I read on the internet FREAKED me out.
So here I am, back home in my recliner in an excellent spot, all things considered, days away from enjoying Christmas with my kiddos but instead of experiencing joyful moments, I had my eyes set on my plan (that was crumbling). That afternoon the new ladder rule came into play, recalling the tips she had given at the appointment, drinking that horrible protein shake, seriously they should be pulled from the market, it is a horrible crime we are committing feeding it to the elders of our family, my husband made a new rule.
We will not entertain the next part of this journey in our home. We will live in the moment, standing only on the step of the ladder we are on. Later that afternoon that song Praise You in This Storm, popped up on Facebook. How timely right.
For You are who You are, No matter where I am.
Y’all I had forgotten. You see when I knew I could beat this disease because remember there was is no other option, I created that plan in my garden,
the next line in the song
"I was sure by now, you would have reached down"
It happened. In that appointment, in that chair, when I was spiraling and my husband was calming all the overwhelming away, reminding me to focus on this moment, this step. The tiniest hand of peace entered our home.
My plan, I know I keep harping on it, but it was solely in place so that I could keep my children's lives as normal as possible. The quicker we got through this, the easier it would be for them. This was a lie I told myself, I now realize that. Hindsight is 20/20 right haha.
I didn't yet understand that there was purpose in this heartache I was experiencing.
• A scripture in Exodus (9:16) reminded me that we will be raised up to know his power.
So as I sat there with my children asking for my help, my daughter not fully understanding why I couldn't not do all the things she was used to, I had to change something. The dam was breaking, and I needed to ease the washout.
I had no idea the trials I was facing at this point would be a walk in the park compared what was to come, and that’s probably a massive blessing. This part of the story is where my promise to family begins.
All my motherhood “duties” those daily tasks we take for granted I couldn’t do.
The snacks, getting requested items, washing my daughters hair, brushing teeth, heck even just helping turn a shirt around.
Having to tell my daughter she couldn’t sit in my chair and cuddle with me, was horrible.
Up until this point, with the exception of a few overnight date nights my children has not been cared for by anyone other than playing at my mother in laws next door. Can you say hello control freak. I would be guilty as charged lol.
I had to stop dwelling on all the things I couldn’t do. That list was growing by the second. Somehow I decided to Focus on what I could do, and someone “Joy” aka fake excitement came
To Mind.
I took the fake it until you make it approach to THE EXTREME. Any time one of my children walked in my room, especially my daughter their presence became the greatest gift ever.
My daughter slept on my side of the bed and it became a running joke she had taken over and was kicking me out.
Firstborn became the handy man, he stepped up and helped my Husband with anything you could think of. So while I didn’t always realize or see what he was doing I began to praise him
For anything I could dream up (I’m sure he probably thought I was crazy at some
points). His love for cooking developed during this time. Partly because he learned along with my husband and all those hours of cooking shows they watched with me.
Creative he dotted over Princess. He make sure she didn’t want for a single thing. Yogurt, crayons, stuffed animals, his beloved Legos, you name it he offered it up. Normally you would expect this from your child, but my creative he is special. I say this in the most affectionate way, he sees things just so, if it doesn’t go that way (hello genetic control issues sorry kid) his feelings get crushed. He holds himself to such an incredibly high standard. So sharing, and putting others ideas/thoughts ahead of his is an area for growth and boy did he hit it out of the ball park here. I tear up just thinking about it all these months later.
Now Angel boy, he is the child my husband and I share. All
of my children are biological ours but he have a running joke about them.
Firstborn, well he is the first grandchild and my in laws stole from About 3 minutes old. My mother in law for the first year (he wouldn’t sleep unless she bounced him in this ridiculously unique way) and my father in law the moment he was potty trained at 12 months. So he was never my child, I just babysat him lol.
Creative, now he is equal parts Handsome and I. He craves my need for love and acceptance, and his intelligence, creativity, and mater of fact thinking thanks to his big brain make him just like his father. Add in his fierce protectiveness, spitting image.
So we “shared” him in young childhood. As he got older, I stole him. I can’t explain why or how, but one day he went from the easy going baby who literally did not want to be touched, to following me around and I did not complain!
Now Angel well he had a rough start with seizures as an infant. So we shared him. We became helicopter parents not like we didn’t already have control issues over our children. Angel boy never left our sight. He made bonded our family, every one of us, we hovered and coddled. If there was ever a child who never cried it was him. Even his other brothers made sure of it. If he was going to have an episode it was not going to be because he was unattended or got upset.
With Princess, I never had a chance with her. I lost her to her daddy from the moment I almost gave birth in the truck. Honestly part of me struggled with the attention he gave her (I was used to be the queen around here after all) and the part of me who has daddy issues falls more in love with my husband the way he loves her every moment of the day.
The point of this side tangent is because Angel Boy, “the baby” became my care giver of a child. He would sit in the kitchen table chair he pulled next to my recliner, ALL DAY LONG. I know it had to be I comfortable because it’s a wooden farm chair but he never complained. And only left when Handsome would make him Go play. Our show together was kids baking challenge or master chef kids. He would ever so gently lay his hand on my forearm and flinch any time I moved.
You see all of these unique ways my kids adapted allowed me to learn new ways to mother them. I have carried these over into our new normal and I am thankful.
You see my sister in love sent over versus frequently as she found them in moms cancer notes. Ones she mentioned, people sent her, or just ones that always were repeated when she was raising them.
James 1:2-4
Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.
Was one that always came up.
Count it all Joy.
I was learning to count every moment with my babies as a joyful moment even before I realized it. Encouragement, Praise, Simple gestures, Actions, the stolen glances, smiles, the quiet moments, a slight hand squeeze, the giggles, those are always my
Favorite, all the moments I began to count as joyful ones.
It allowed me to look past the hard of my daily moments and seek out ways to uplift them.
When I focused my eyes from myself, from my struggles I found joy in the eyes of my children.
Isn’t that motherhood after all? It certainly is for me.
Again I had ZERO idea that chemo therapy would start as a more challenging trial.
I am so thankful for that month spent in my recliner learning to mother my children just the unique ways they emotionally needed. I would have never slowed down enough to connect on that level with them, I was not “that mom”.
I am a Christmas mother, while decorations aren’t my thing, the lights, the tree, cookies, candles and food. Those are my favorites. I spend days making the perfect gift list for kids. It’s a challenge because we reward our kids year round for their hard work. It’s another chat we should have one day, but I take pride pride in picking out the gifts not only that I know they will live and show off to their daddy in excitement but remember and have memories using more than just one day.
This Christmas was no exception. I didn’t know it at the time of shopping because it was all done before surgery but those gifts were a new way of mothering. I chose items they both could entertain themselves with but also I could nurture them with. Coloring books, chapter books to read together, puzzles, brain teasers, dinosaurs and then Of course every battle bot and new Lego set I could find because my kiddos are all bout the STEM activities.
In hindsight another way I transformed my love for them. As mothers we don’t always think of how we can serve and bless our kids in advance. Motherhood is such a tough and demanding labor of love we often are caught in the moment.
I was as guilty of this as anyone.
These gifts, made me pause and think of ways I could connect with my children in unique ways. A process I am forever grateful for and will carry with me as they grow.
Is there an area in your life you can connect with your kids individually on a more personalized level? I’ll share the practical ways we have adapted this now life has slowed down in just a minute but this was a big joyful change for us.
Right before my chemotherapy started I chose to lead by example. Something we say as parents all the time. However when explaining to my children mommy’s medicine would start soon and I would loose my hair the dreaded comment came.
“Just like KiKis!”
It wasn’t a question. They had watched it before, but our journey was filtered through joy, not in memory or fear of our grief. So I decided to show my children joy instead of fear by letting my husband shave my head. I realized just how vein I was in that moment. Yet I do not regret it.
Angel boy followed suit with cheering me own with his now matching hair cut.
This representation of walking by faith (I knew I had to share my hope not fear with them) was a techniques I never needed in my parenting.
January 18th I sat in ugly green chair, and received my first chemotherapy treatment known as the Red Devil. It’s named appropriately, it’s looks like ridiculously bright Kool-aid, and makes you feel as I could only image the devil would.
Just a few minutes ago I mentioned how I had no clue what was still to come, well this first week friends I had a crash course. My joy experiment was put to the test, and forged in fire. Endurance was build during these first two weeks. The nausea meds gave me unceasing migraines. Yet I couldn’t escape the headache, lights, or the sound of the four children who are my world. So while we tried to shield them from my symptoms as to not scare them, we also spent that time cuddled up watching movies.
This trial and those leading up to this moment gave me endurance to learn to mother despite the struggle.
Sixteen weeks of chemotherapy, eight rounds receiving a total of four medications was given during that time.
Practical Daily mothering through Joy and Pain will look different for ever one. Whatever your season, trial, challenge, burden, nothing is too small to overlook how hard life as a mother and women can be. We carry the weight of our world on our shoulders, here are a few ways that I find allows me to lay a few things down and pick up some joy! (expand)
Simplify your days. I know this is probably the cookie cutter answer that most people give but let me give it some context. When I am overwhelmed, busy, and spinning two many plates I notice that the emotional overwhelm is only heightened. When we slow down, say no to task, only focus on the core daily task we are able to get ourselves above the fog.
Accept the trials in this season. This set is easier said than done, but we we acknowledge that we can't do xyz. For this short season in life we are setting reasonable expectations, again taking the pressure off. For me this meant that during chemo, I can't be the fun, running around, super woman mother that I am used to being. Instead I can be the thoughtful, emotionally attentive, engaging mother. Now I was all of these things prior but I am when I shifted my expectations that this is my current focus when mothering my children, It allowed a shift in our relationships, and gave the confidence that I could successfully and lovingly show up for my children every day even during the hard.
Find Pockets of Joy. We have lightened our loads, accepted that this season is only temporary and adjusted our expectations to not only survive but also thrive. During this time I seek out those tiny moments of sunshine through the cloud. Reading that book and hearing the giggles, playing the board games, the conversations had around dinner or while putting together the puzzle, coloring and drawing which leads to silly conversations, and my personal favorites the jokes and songs. I am tone deaf but can belt a tune with the best of them, and while I like to think I am funny, sometimes my children don't so we are always trying to one up each other with jokes. The only thing that beats these moments are those when I get to be the referee in the wrestling matches between Kids vs Dad that happens on my living room floor. You see life adjust and adapts during these hard seasons, but when we slow down, embrace that its just a crazy time and it is what it is, you can see the true joy in the tiniest moments that are your daily life.
These are the ones that you will cherish, and when you highlight them they become your children's memories through the rough patches.
Turning Trauma into Triumph simply by choosing to seek out the Joy instead of dwell on the disasters.
In May I completed Chemotherapy and rang that bell. I had endured my trial, and I was promised to be blessed because according to my plan this season was over.
Surgery. Check.
Chemotherapy. Check.
Now I was classified in "Maintenance."
James 1:12 A man who endures trials is blessed because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.
Well during this time I was overjoyed. The hard part was over. I endured, kept my head above water, showed my children that I could do hard things because I love them, and I did it while still finding joy in our days. Sure the guilt was and is still there, but I am working on it.
The problem was I took my eyes and feet off my current step on the ladder. I was distracted from the mission at hand, my time in the wilderness was not over. I made it through the tall pines, and instead of stumbling into the clearly as I crossed that finish line, I found myself in the thicket.
Not what I expected as you can image.
You see maintenance just means this treatment phase is to maintain the success of your previous treatments (surgery and chemotherapy agents). While it is necessary because I am a not only a BRCA1 gene carrier but also because, well it just is.
My body steal needs it. To protect my future.
I should have been focused on the blessing this medicine is, the research available that knew how well I would respond from this treatment, and how I can only benefit from this in my future. It was completely in line with what I truly desired, protecting my kids.
But you see I had gone away from those three little practical applications we just chatted about. My days were no long simplified. I was a free woman now, I was taking my kids to all the things.
Team EXTRA here I come.
We were always the spontaneous trip takers, and adventure seekers. I was so excited for this part of our life again. I did not keep in mind the realistic expectations of this season. While there was a reprieve, I had not completed this journey. For a time I also was not seeking Joy.
Lost in the wilderness that is my treatment, I looked to far ahead. Letting my hopes and dreams for the life I wanted, steal my joy.
You see happiness is an emotion solely based on circumstances. I allowed my grief over this imaginary situation I had dreamt about, a fantasy currently unattainable, block my contentment right in this season of life.
I can't change the hard season, and neither can you. We can make our plans of attack, we can navigate our way through the wilderness, we can have faith, endure, through this process we can make it through to the clearing to be whole and complete. Remember that the journey through life's wildernesses are a time of preparation not permanence.
Joy is an Emotional Choice.
Once we much fight for it during this time of preparation, can see the purpose.
Finding the why for our struggle is not something that always is revealed, sometimes it is shown in pieces after completing parts of the journey.
Parenting Stages is the only example that comes to mind. We carry those babies for ten months, and every experience is unique. We are rewarded for that endurance with these tiny humans. They rely solely on us, sleep is rare for most of us. Why because we will cherish that sleep when those trying twos come around and we are sure how to herd this tiny little human we created.
You see its all about stacking those moments. Evidence of the purposed for your preparation is revealed through your path.
I took my eyes off the path I was walking, I stumbled. I started look for the why, and the blessings one I make it to that clearing.
But I am still in the thicket.
I got distracted from the blessing in the journey, the small joyful moments that pop up in every day. The giggles, hugs, colored marks, pillow fights, wrestling matches, hours spend rocking on the front porch while tag is being played, afternoon rides in the sunlight.
When we try and see outside of the part of the path we are on, you can't fight to see the joy that is happening right where we are.
Time, Money, Experiences, Comparison, they are all thief's of your joy.
I fell into this trap and I am sharing all of this so maybe you wont have to, and if you do, you will have the tools to get out of it too.
We are designed to have joy, its a fruit of the spirit after all.
As long as I am breathing I will be fighting for Joy.
So how did I overcome this setback again. The anxiety, fear, depression, grief, all of the emotions that came flooding back once I realized that this journey in the wilderness was not over just yet.
1. Acknowledgment. I yelled. Cried. Wrote it down. Anyway I could possible get it out of my system that I knew I had to keep going, keep fighting. I hated it (still do) but I was way to stubborn to give up. My feeling mama is that you are too. So let it out, have a good ole Grey and Yang party to dance it out.
2. Simplify. I know we already did this but remember we have to get back to basics. My days were spent doing two things. Fighting Cancer (Taking my meds, resting, keeping my self mentally healthy) and Loving my family. Full on Smother you love, because in this season its all I got. I can't be the Pinterest mom, or the business mom, I am the love you mom. I encourage you to find the things you need to do every day. When you strip it down to the bare bones what is it you need to do. Do them. Stay Hyper Focused.
3. In doing those two things you will again be able to see the joy that naturally arises in your life. The emotion of Joy is choice. When we are under the overwhelming umbrella that is our circumstance we can't see the the forest for the trees. But we step back, refocus, and remember preparation not permeance we can decide to be joyful. It takes patience, and constantly choosing it. We are responsible for our emotions. When we practice controlling them, selecting them, focusing on the positive we can fight to hold on to it despite how hard this season of life, motherhood, marriage, health or whatever your current wilderness is.
By choosing to do these things I again found my daily fight for joy. I wake up every morning reminding myself of these things. That I am training to pass this test of endurance, because we are promised beautiful blessings at the clearly.
For me that is complete healing from this disease, re-entering the overwhelming, spontaneous, chase your around the yard, and beat you at a foot race type of mother and wife.
Your blessing may look different than mine but I can promise that focusing on the joy, fighting to hold on to it, you will not only look back on your time in the wilderness with pride and accomplishment because you will realize you can do hard things with great joy, and know that whatever God has in store for your life next you will be equipped to handle it with the same joy.
Friends I hope the long rambling of my journey to joy in motherhood somehow helps you.
If it does I would love to hear about it, share this chat with another mama, or leave an Apple Review so this message of hope and joy can reach everyone it is meant to.
Next time I will be sharing the differences between happiness and chat, how we were created for joy, and the practical ways you can get your joy back in your everyday life.
Until Next time Friends,
Stay Joyful.